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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 11, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PST

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>> jon: that's our show, join us torjs here is your moment of zen. >> i have had a lot of people ask me for hugs. a lot of people. >> will you get your hugs later, brother. >> i guess there is open bar captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ). folks, thanks so much. you know i need to-- folks, right off the top of the show, let's get to the big story tonight, the mayoral election right here in new york city. with zero precincts reporting, as far as i bothered to research, we're prepared to name bill deblasio the next mayor of new york city beating noted kitten grinder joe lhota.
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mayor deblasio, i support you, and so does my 64-ounce mountain dew. sir, you've got some very small shoes to fill. of course the bigger mayoral news comes to us out of toronto, and the drug scandal engulfing chris farley tribute mayor rob ford. after months and months of his denials, on thursday, toronto police confirmed that ford appears in a video that allegedly depicts the mayor smoking crack cocaine. but, but on the bright side-- he is personally taking crack off the streets of toronto. ( cheers and applause ) that's one less score for your kid. you're welcome. well, folks, today, mayor ford masterfully handled these growing allegations by meeting with with reporters to play 20 questions about the one question he was finally ready to answer. >> you guys have asked me a
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question. >> how did you-- >> you asked me a question back in may. and you can repeat that question. >> the question i asked i back in may? >> yes. you asked me a couple of questions superpower and what were those questions? >> do you smoke crack cocaine? >> exactly. yes, i have smoked crack cocaine. >> that is the kind of blunt, straightforward honesty crack smokers are known for. folks, what so impressed me is ford didn't stop there. he immediately won back the public's trust with his rock solid explanation for his behavior. >> am i an ad?ict no. have i tried it? probably in one of my drunken stupor, probably a year ago. there have been times when i've been in a drunken stupor. >> stephen: see? after a few beers, he's just a
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social crack smoker. it's like how some people-- you know, it's like how some people only smoke cigarettes when they're strung out on heroine. ( laughter ) so he's admitted to having a problem, and hope he doesn't do anything rash like something about it as he explained on canada's radio station. >> i'm not going to sit here and say i'm never going to drink again. that's not realistic. >> stephen: yeah, it's not realistic for him to quit drinking riept now. i mean, he's in the middle of a crack scandal. needs something to take the edge off. ( cheers and applause ). anyway, bottom line, bottom line, folks, scandal is over, media handled. nothing to see here. and there never was. >> so i wasn't lying. you didn't ask the correct questions. no, i'm not an addict. and no, i do not do drugs. i-- i made mistakes in the past, and all i can do is apologize. but it is what it is and i can't change the past glef yes, rob
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ford can't change the past. he can't even remember the past. i mean, what part of "drunken stupor" does the media not understand? it's not called a "drunken sma smart-for." i must tell you, ladies and gentlemen, i am personally inspired by mayor ford's courage to come clean about my own mistakes. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) have i ever smoked crack? yes, but that was in the past. ( laughter ) ploou( applause )there's noct it happened. all i can do is apologize and move on. i am so, so sorry they smoked crack, and i promise you, it will not happen again.
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( laughter ). ( cheers ) now, have i lied to you about never smoking crack again? yes, i have. is that the worst thing in the world? does that make me a murderer? no. have i ever murdered anyone? yes, but that was in the past. while i was high on crack. ( laughter ) in the present, i am not murdering anyone. stay down! stay down! yodie, you just die. you die! you stay down! stay down! ( applause ) that's what you get for trying to take my crack ( bleep )! ( cheers and applause )
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by the way, if there's any video of this, i'd love to see it. ( laughter ) of course, scandals like this are nothing new in the lawless narco tundra that is canada. or as many now call it, upside down mexico. tonight, i profile the latest drug war taking over the main street of british columbia and the people trying to make a difference. jimmy, give me a hit. >> this is canada-- remote, pristine, ridiculous. and this is a small border town in canada, and these are town councilors megan and tim fighting back against the tide of drugs the world now associates with our neighbor to the north. they are difference makers.
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♪ ♪ welcome to the town ofs-- what's the town called? >> i've always called it eskimo? >> no, it is not eskimo. >> the town of eskimo, british columbia, canada. >> eskimo? >> no. >> really? >> no. >> it's a common mistake people make. >> it's s-qwi? just say somewhere in canada. >> stephen: all right. somewhere was a typical picturesque town. until this shadowy figure moved in. >> my name is ryan. i'm the owner of the balm warehouse. >> stephen: and just what is the balm warehouse? >> it's the warehouse for bombs. >> stephen: ryan has a plan. >> i want to take over the
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entire town/nation. >> stephen: and he has an eight-foot-tall bong-shaped mascot, named bongy. >> bongy wants everybody to get high. >> osama bong-laden thinks that's funny. especially from canadians addicted to toeting the smoker weed. dan owns the shop. >> it has definitely caused some impact to our business and taken sales away from us. >> stephen: and the threat to his turf makes dan furious. >> we're a little bit perturbed by it. >> stephen: which is canadian for pop a cap in your ( bleep ). the town's helpless parents: >> as a parent i am concerned about having a big, fuzzy, dancing mascot, that is drug
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paraphernalia living a block away from my house. >> stephen: who will prevent the drug war? who will protect the children? who can stop bongy? ( laughter ) city councilors tim morrison and megan brain are taking a stand. >> well, i think the bong mascot -- >> stephen: take your time. >> well, i think the dancing bong mascot may have just -- >> stephen: it's all right, start again. >> i think that the dancing bong mascot may have just danced its last dance. >> stephen: i didn't see that coming. these two are bringing the hammer down on bongy with swift, legal action. >> it's going to take months to get this law passed. >> stephen: but it's going to be a hard-hitting law, right, tim? >> so i proposed some legislation, a motion to suggest that if you want to use mascots on our public, municipal properties-- like our sidewalks, our parks and our streets-- you
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basically just need to have a permit. >> stephen: a permit? what the ( bleep )? that is it! >> you know, in canada we try to be polite, courteous, and considerate of everybody. >> stephen: polite? look at him. he's a spoiled flushy purple kite. what are you high? >> sir-- what was the question again? >> stephen: are you high? >> no, i'm not high. i don't-- i don't use marijuana, but i do support the legalization of marijuana. >> stephen: okay, great. megan, you're our only hope. >> i was part of of a council they will voted to decriminalize pot you. >> stephen: know what? i made a mistake. megan, tim-- you are no difference makers. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: and, bongy, looks like i owe you an apology. you're the mascot that canada deserves. have you thought about running for mayor of toronto? >> bongy loves you!
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( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. nation, i don't like to talk about this. the truth is, i've got a little bit of a problem with bugs. not just in the backyard shed where i store my collection of decoratively shattered oreos. for years, scientists have told us up to 75% insects may be involved in same-sex sexual incidents. according to a new study, those billions of insects are having gay sex accidentally. that's a relief.
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it's all just one big misunderstanding. i'm not surprised. bugs are always getting it wrong. look at the birds and the bees-- hey, bs, stop screwing those birds. they're not giant bees. , and folks, it's happening, because the bugs are in such a rush to reproduce they conot take enough time to inspect their potential mate's gender. see, there's nothing gay there. it's just a normal manua normale to bang everything that moves. and once we're going down that road, we never ask for directions. am i right, ladies? the tv man explains more. >> the female parasitic wasp is ready to mate. her irresistible perfume is designed to attract all available males. just as the female signals her admiration, another male rushes in to claim the reward. flushed with success, he doesn't notice he's trying to mate with a male. he doesn't realize because the second male, after contact with
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the female, now smells like her. >> stephen: hey, we've all been there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean, scent is confusing. you walk past the nordstrom's perfume counter and the next thing you know, you're dry humping a pile of cashmere sweaters. insects are not into some gay lifestyle. it's not like they're out there having parades, except for the ants. don't get me started on ants. some of them are total queens. folks, stet your d.vr because tonight i am issuing a rare and historic apology to the gays over here. the gays, i am sorry. for years i have considered man-on-man sex a deplorable, unholy abomination. girl-on-girl-- hey, i'm not dead. but now, now i know you weren't born gay. somewhere down the road, you just had a same-sex
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attraccident. maybe you met someone nice, went on a couple dates, made you laugh, smelled good, one thing i p thing led to another and you're back at your place going hey, this person having sex with me is a guy. but out of politeness, you don't say anything. months pass, you might as well introduce him to your family, and when they ask why your girlfriend is a guy-friend, you blurt out, "i meant to do this." because even marrying a dude is less embarrassing than admitting you didn'ter to check under the hood. so homosexuals, i am sorry. and i am man enough to admit that gays are exactly like insects. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ).
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a basketball hall of fameir who helped modernize-- i'm going to take to him all the way from midtown. please welcome julius dr. j. erving. ( cheers and applause ) doctor good to see you. >> hi, how are you. >> stephen: nice to you have on. >> finally, finally. >> stephen: it is wonderful to be in the presence of greatness. >> thank you. >> stephen: how did you get the term "dr. j." did you around that. is that an honorary degree. >> i have several honorary degrees but i was called doctor long before i got honorary degrees, maybe back as long as tenth, 11th grade in high school. i had a buddy i called him professor, he called me the doctor. we graduated high school together. we went t to the same universit, and now we're still the best of friends living in atlanta, georgia, playing golf against
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each other. >> stephen: that and many other stories are now available in "dr. j.: an autobiography." you not only played basketball. you changed the game of basketball. >> well, thank you for saying that. thank you for saying that. >> stephen: well i thank you for doing that. because before you there was no-- >> well, there was, actually. >> stephen: no twould be a better book if there wasn't. >> i have to tell you, when i was growing up, i used to watch the big guys, and i would see them dunk the ball. >> and would see them do things around the hoop, and i always imagined myself doing that. and so, when i got big enough to do it, i really didn't want to do it just like they did it. i wanted to do it my own way. and -- >> stephen: with a little style. >> and i was able to do that, you know, to have some innovation. >> stephen: what is that like? what will people-- what was-- when you would take off from the foul line and just-- just sail like an angel through the air
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and come thundering down in vefnlence upon why you were enemies by putting the ball right through the hoop and sweat spraying off you like a fog of testosterone that would suck the ladies out of stands into the back seat of your limo, what was that feeling? what was that spheelg like? >> it was epic. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but you know i was inspired by new york. you know, i grew up here in new york. ( cheers and applause ). so when i got big enough and bad enough to play uptown with the big boys, they'd be sit ooght edge of the-- on the edge of the playground with their feat on the court, and you'd come down and make a move and go to the hoop, and you'd go running back down the court, it's like, "you can do better than that. you can jump from farther out
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than that." challenging you in a special way. and sometimes i'd be gullible enough to go for it. i could probably jump from a little farther out, eight feet our, 10 feet out, 12 feet out. the foul line was 15 feet out. so that was the ultimate to be able to jump from the foul line. that's how i honed that skill. i was encouraged by the people sitting on the sidelines in harl women their feet on the court because they said, "we think you can do it." and i did. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: you've seen some great in your time-- larry bird, you played against kareem. would you like to face off with the greatest of all time right now? >> i'm down like rebound. >> stephen: watch this. here we go. ( cheers and applause ). 10? 10 balls of paper. there's the basket. there it is. ready? >> yup. is it the race for who gets the most -- >> stephen: you can take all
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the time you need, old man. >> he's got that right. i am old. >> stephen: do you want to take a shot first? >> i'll take a shot first. ( cheers and applause ). not bad. not bad for a country boy. he's been prook-- practicing. ( applause ) >> stephen: it's just paper, man. ( cheers and applause ) is that six?
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>> stephen: 7. >>7! >> stephen: okay, last two, last two. >> wait a minute. oh, okay. i can get to seven. >> stephen: okay hit seven. >> i can get to seven. >> stephen: can you get to seven? >> i can get to seven now. turn around, like you. >> stephen: all right. all right. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh! that could be a problem. ( laughter ) houston, we have a problem. ( applause ) that was so nice of you.
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>> stephen: julius erving, thank you so much. the book is "dr. j." the great julius erving
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